I was in my therapist's office today, trying to make her understand the dynamics of an "Indian, arranged marriage". In trying to make her understand, why, in my opinion, Indian married women 'compromise' more than Indian men, I realized I was misinforming her. While I still think married Indian women compromise more than their husbands, compromises aren't so bad after all. While individualism and collaboration should be cornerstones of any relationship, compromising or negotiating one's wants and needs in tandem with others is equally important.
Compromise, though, has become a dirty word nowadays, especially regarding marriages or the sacred private space that two individuals in an intimate relationship share. While this post means no disrespect to individuals who believe their wants and needs must come first, I will try showing that compromise can act as an equalizer if used with love, care, and empathy. I know that the best outcome of any communication situation is collaboration. However, collaboration can sometimes be an outcome of a compromise.
Let me explain why...
Compromise can be an excellent tool in a marriage if practiced within boundaries. Those boundaries may refer to the values one holds or the ideals one holds dearly in life. In marital relationships or relationships of an intimate nature, compromises made out of choice may result in collaboration. But when compromising, one has to ensure they do not hurt the core values they believe in.
Compromise can be an excellent tool in a marriage if practiced within boundaries. Those boundaries may refer to the values one holds or the ideals one holds dearly in life. In marital relationships or relationships of an intimate nature, compromises made out of choice may result in collaboration. But when compromising, one has to ensure they do not hurt the core values they believe in.
I used to hate going to rock concerts. Well, to be honest, I did not (do not) like heavy metal music. When I married Rahul, he told me he was a fan of this group called Metallica. I did not know who they were (now I do), and I was least interested in going to their concert. Some years later, in Pretoria, after many requests (from Rahul), I went to a Brit Floyd concert. And, I know they are not Metallica, but I loved the experience. So my compromise was just to go to this concert, where I discovered I quite liked going to rock concerts. Since then, we have been to several of them (the Metallica concert, though, is still outstanding...). So it wasn't necessarily a bad compromise. However, I do think, if one is forced to compromise against those boundaries (values, and ideals), that would not necessarily be a good idea. I think in those instances, it's often better to oppose and assert one's voice.
Two of my dear friends, who I value a lot because they are indeed role models when it comes to the modern superwomen, have compromised multiple times in their own marriages. To give due credit to their partners, they, too, have compromised. Whenever it comes to marriages, and successful marriages at that, I do not have to look further than my parents, who will celebrate 45 years of marital bliss this August!!! Along the way, both have made compromises and negotiated with each other for the good of their small family. While it is highly debatable, in their marriage, as to who has compromised more, I do not believe, either has gone to an extent where their original values or voices have been lost. That would be dangerous. That's what I meant when I mentioned earlier, that compromise if used cleverly, can act as a great equalizer.
While my husband and I are still neophytes in the great world of matrimony, we regularly compromise on the restaurants to go to, vacations to take, and how we divide the household chores. I think, from my little experience of marriage, my perception of compromise as evil isn't correct. More than the act of compromise itself, the intent behind the compromise communicates a great deal. So maybe, I did not do a good job of communicating the Indian arranged marriage dynamics to my therapist today. I hope she reads this post someday... :)
While my husband and I are still neophytes in the great world of matrimony, we regularly compromise on the restaurants to go to, vacations to take, and how we divide the household chores. I think, from my little experience of marriage, my perception of compromise as evil isn't correct. More than the act of compromise itself, the intent behind the compromise communicates a great deal. So maybe, I did not do a good job of communicating the Indian arranged marriage dynamics to my therapist today. I hope she reads this post someday... :)
So, yes, if you are getting into a relationship, where you genuinely like the other person, do not throw compromises as a relationship tool, out of the window. Compromises can sometimes lead to a great, collaborative relationship.
I always invite readers to check out scientific findings on topics that I write about. Because, please remember, no matter, who writes it, it's still their opinion. I found the following article from Psychology Today on compromise and it states the same thing that I do above.
Here's to compromises and to even sweteer relationships!!! :)
