Reading shall set your mind free...

 

I love books. I think anyone who knows me, knows that much about me. However, I also have the habit of doing too many things, socializing too many times, and then scolding myself never to do so again, and doing it all over again. But this summer was a good exception, for the simple reason, that I went to my mom's house, which is in Kolkata, India, and got plenty of time to read. 

Anyone who has ever been on a vacation knows that vacations do not go as planned, even if you plan them meticulously. Mine are always meticulously planned and never go the way I want them to go. Well, that is because I rarely stick to the plans I myself make. At this point, if I have managed to irritate you with my flightiness, dear reader, let me irritate you some more. But this time with the books I read. 

So there were two books I finished over the summer. I loved both. 

The first one was "All the Broken Places" by John Boyne, author of the book, "The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas" which has been made into a movie. The second book, which I finished just yesterday, was Rebecca Makkai's "The Hundred Year House". The stories are very different as are the writing. This was my first book for both authors, (I have not read The Boy in Stripped Pajamas).

All the Broken Places is a story of an old English woman who is hiding a scarred past. Kindle informed me that The Broken Places is a sequel to the movie, "The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas". That much was enough for me to download it in my library to read. I was not disappointed. It's a wonderful story. It reminded me of how we humans often run from the horrors of our past only to face them in our present. The writing was articulate and I really liked the story within the story. It was a beautifully somber story. It saddened me the way evenings sometimes do. Not in a deep sad way, but sad in a way something has ended. The prose was funny too in the way that English humor can ever be. I truly enjoyed reading this book. 

The second book, "The Hundred Year House" was supposed to be a haunted/ghost story only it wasn't, not in the sense I was expecting it to be. Now to my credit, I am not entirely familiar with eerie stories, save some Agatha Christie ones and some Indian authors such as Ruskin Bond. My brother and I love eerie stories, and while we were away on our vacation this year, in the Himalayas, there was a book "The Ghost Stories of the Raj" that both of us wanted to read. We compromised and read some stories and discussed them. It was wonderful. Anyhow, The Hundred Year House was billed as a ghost story on Kindle, and my interest in it spurred from that fact. However, as I have pointed out above, it wasn't a ghost story or even an eerie story. 

The Hundred Years House is a story about an old house. It used to be an art colony and now there are four young people who have come to stay there temporarily. I did not quite understand whether the story was told from the perspective of the house or its residents. I felt it was told from the lens of the house as if the house was telling the story, but I  did not sense so. 

Back to the protagonists, there is Zee, a professor of English, whose family house it is, her husband Doug, an out-of-work academic trying to write a book on the poet, Edward Parafitt, Chase, Zee's stepbrother, who has lost his job in Texas and has therefore moved to live at his father's place and Chase's wife who is an artist. Oh, there is also Zee's mother and stepfather. The story is about the house though. In the first part, the story revolves around the six characters, and in the second, it revolves around the residents of the art colony, that the house used to be. I thought the storyline was a bit odd until the twist in the story was introduced. It is pretty cleverly done. I quite liked the book. It did not make me sad like "All the Broken Places" did, but it did leave me longing for the characters. I think Makkai could have done a lot with some of the characters in the second part of the book. 

There it is. My two books over the summer. 

Currently, I have begun this detective series, "Murder on Astor Place" by Victoria Thompson which stars two detectives- Sara Brandt a nurse turned midwife in the turn-of-the-century New York, and New York Police Officer, Sargeant Frank Malloy. The second book, I am listening to, is, Jojo Moyes' The Giver of Stars. It is a fictional story about pack-horse librarians in rural Kentucky. The pack horse librarians were non-fiction. If you want to know more about pack horse librarians, here is a link about them Pack Horse Librarians. I'll be back on my two cents about these two books. 

If you are interested, here is a link to buy the books I reviewed from Amazon. I don't get paid by Amazon, so you can trust this review.

All the Broken Places

The Hundred Year House

Till then, keep reading, for reading shall set you free!! :) :)

The sweet art of compromise

I was in my therapist's office today, trying to make her understand the dynamics of an "Indian, arranged marriage". In trying to make her understand, why, in my opinion, Indian married women 'compromise' more than Indian men, I realized I was misinforming her. While I still think married Indian women compromise more than their husbands, compromises aren't so bad after all. While individualism and collaboration should be  cornerstones of any relationship, compromising or negotiating one's wants and needs in tandem with others is equally important.

Compromise, though, has become a dirty word nowadays, especially regarding marriages or the sacred private space that two individuals in an intimate relationship share. While this post means no disrespect to individuals who believe their wants and needs must come first, I will try showing that compromise can act as an equalizer if used with love, care, and empathy. I know that the best outcome of any communication situation is collaboration. However, collaboration can sometimes be an outcome of a compromise. 

Let me explain why...

Compromise can be an excellent tool in a marriage if practiced within boundaries. Those boundaries may refer to the values one holds or the ideals one holds dearly in life. In marital relationships or relationships of an intimate nature, compromises made out of choice may result in collaboration. But when compromising, one has to ensure they do not hurt the core values they believe in.  

I used to hate going to rock concerts. Well, to be honest, I did not (do not) like heavy metal music. When I married Rahul, he told me he was a fan of this group called Metallica. I did not know who they were (now I do), and I was least interested in going to their concert. Some years later, in Pretoria, after many requests (from Rahul), I went to a Brit Floyd concert. And, I know they are not Metallica, but I loved the experience. So my compromise was just to go to this concert, where I discovered I quite liked going to rock concerts. Since then, we have been to several of them (the Metallica concert, though, is still outstanding...). So it wasn't necessarily a bad compromise. However, I do think, if one is forced to compromise against those boundaries (values, and ideals), that would not necessarily be a good idea. I think in those instances, it's often better to oppose and assert one's voice.

Two of my dear friends, who I value a lot because they are indeed role models when it comes to the modern superwomen, have compromised multiple times in their own marriages. To give due credit to their partners, they, too, have compromised. Whenever it comes to marriages, and successful marriages at that, I do not have to look further than my parents, who will celebrate 45 years of marital bliss this August!!! Along the way, both have made compromises and negotiated with each other for the good of their small family. While it is highly debatable, in their marriage, as to who has compromised more, I do not believe, either has gone to an extent where their original values or voices have been lost. That would be dangerous. That's what I meant when I mentioned earlier, that compromise if used cleverly, can act as a great equalizer.

While my husband and I are still neophytes in the great world of matrimony, we regularly compromise on the restaurants to go to, vacations to take, and how we divide the household chores. I think, from my little experience of marriage, my perception of compromise as evil isn't correct. More than the act of compromise itself, the intent behind the compromise communicates a great deal. So maybe, I did not do a good job of communicating the Indian arranged marriage dynamics to my therapist today. I hope she reads this post someday... :)

So, yes, if you are getting into a relationship, where you genuinely like the other person, do not throw compromises as a relationship tool, out of the window. Compromises can sometimes lead to a great, collaborative relationship. 

I always invite readers to check out scientific findings on topics that I write about. Because, please remember, no matter, who writes it, it's still their opinion. I found the following article from Psychology Today on compromise and it states the same thing that I do above.

To compromise or not to compromise

Here's to compromises and to even sweteer relationships!!! :)

the summer, I got to be 'me'...

Today was the first day of my son's second grade. It was both a joy- he's growing up so fast and a tiny bit of sadness- growing up way too fast!

I was just supremely surprised today by how fast the summer swept by. My son's school generally indicates the beginning of the University term too. We officially begin next week, but we have already started the process of orientations and meetings... another semester, many more stories. 

The 2022 summer is perhaps the one I have enjoyed the most since 2013 when we moved to South Africa. Summers are always my favorite season- not just because I have my birthday in the summer, but because of summer vacation- a long enough break that we can breathe. One of the chief reasons for this summer being special was obvious- my parents were here with us in Kansas, but another was that I had time to simply read, relax, travel, and be myself. 

I was born with a lust for travel. As a kid, I dreamt of becoming a truck driver traveling with goods throughout India. A minor part of that dream was perhaps realized when I attended grad school at Pittsburg State University in Pittsburg, Kansas. I would drive through prairie grasslands and see rural Kansas for two and half hours daily. It was crazy and one of the most enjoyable experiences of my life.

This summer, we went to the beach, and you can see the photos if you follow my social media accounts. This was my son's first visit to the beach, and we got on a road trip in between, so it was bliss. We also visited many family-friendly places in Kansas city itself. We went to the Science City and the Union Station in KC and our favorite, the KC zoo. We visited the KC plaza and the Prarie Fire Museum in Overland Park.  

I saw an advertisement the other day which resonates with me. The ad is perhaps from one of the travel companies- asking viewers what they would regret more when they die- the places they did not visit or the things they did not buy? For me, it's definitely the former- the places not visited. However, I don't think it was just the travels that made this summer so special. It wasn't just my parent's visit but a culmination of small things I achieved or re-lived over this summer that made it so special. 

This is why I am back at writing. This summer, the one thing I did for myself was to get back to writing my blog. I started blogging in 2006 when blogging was emerging. We had just brought a desktop computer, and my brother and I were becoming conscious of what the internet could offer. I came across a news article about how blogging and social media change the world. I became intrigued and decided to open an account on Google and started writing. 

I loved the fact that through my words, I was able to reach so many people. I still remember the comment from Mongolia on my Arab Spring blog entry. Gosh, it was enthralling. A girl from Kolkata writes about revolutions in faraway Egypt and Tunisia, and someone in Ulan Bator reads that blog and comments on it. How would anyone not be giddy at the possibilities the internet could offer humankind? Alas, it seems that initial euphoria might have been a tad bit misplaced. Anyhow, life intervened, and I stopped blogging for a long time. This summer, I decided to be back again, pursuing my second love, that of writing. 

I also did a whole of reading this summer. Of course, I am pursuing a doctoral degree, so I guess reading comes with the job, and I love it. But this summer, I read books like The Filter Bubble by Eli Pariser alongside The Traitor Quen- the second book in The Bridge Kingdom series. I also read two rather nice romances, and I was surprised they still wrote them clean. I also spent quite a bit of money on second-hand books- which I shall probably never read, but hoarding them feels so good. I was sad to see the Friends of Johnson County Library second-hand bookstore close, and I purchased a good amount of books to make myself feel a little less guilty. 

So, yes, this summer, I did all of those, but most importantly, I took out time to be myself, to get back to the things that made my life meaningful and put zest into it. Beyond my identities as a mother, wife, daughter, and sister, I am also a reader, a traveler, and a blogger... most of the time, I get lost in embracing the former identities and losing the little bits that make me whole. This summer, I think, I have reclaimed a little bit of myself... I am glad I could still find myself in those identities, and even if for a fleeting summer, I could live again. 

Taking chances...finding hope

 

In this week's post, I wanted to rant about the recent U.S. Supreme Court's decision about Roe v. Wade, but I am not going to. Instead, I am going to write a post about taking chances and finding hope. 

So, some of you may know, that I teach at a University- University of Kansas here in Lawrence. This past semester (Spring 2022), I was teaching an online class and an in-person class. Both classes had one student each who at least in my opinion are not being treated fairly in a traditional, mainstream, University system. 

The student in my in-person class had not attended a single class during the first six weeks of the semester. The other student, the one in my online class had not submitted a single assignment in the first five weeks. 

Of course, I as an instructor did what I have been told to do by the University system. I wrote them three emails- the first two were polite and sympathetic to the conditions they are probably in which may be preventing them from submitting their assignments on time. The last one was somewhat rude- stating that I would be forced to fail them in the class if they did not communicate with me regarding their plans in the class. Now our University has a rule, that by a certain date if a student doesn't show up in class or doesn't do any assignments- the instructors may drop them. Honestly speaking- I was reluctant to drop these two students without hearing their side of the story. Pandemic taught me some pedagogical rules and the chief one I learned was that students do not really need traditional, mainstream classes to learn. Do not get me wrong, I still believe in learning- but learning can be done in myriad ways- something that Universities at least do not always realize. 

Anyhow- so here we are getting closer to the finals week of the Spring semester and these two students are still absent- from class as well as from assignment submission. Then one day- perhaps because they hadn't received any emails from my end, or perhaps of my last somewhat rude email- they reached out to me. The student in my in-person class met me in my office- and I learned about a promising youth with tons of potential. We sat together and chalked up a plan that would grant the student a passing grade. The other student- the one in my online class- met me over Zoom- and I learned about another promising youth- we too made a plan for the semester. 

Needless to state- both the students not only passed the class but both of them passed with As. They wrote to me at the end of the semester- and one sentence in both their emails stood out for me, "thank you for taking a chance on me... "

As a teacher, I think this is my greatest reward. The students whom the traditional University system dismisses- sometimes due to lack of resources, sometimes because they do not learn the way mandated by the University system- students who slip through the gaps in the system- if only someone listens to them, help them open up and encourage them- it takes time and effort but the reward is so much greater. 

I know there are many teachers like me who take chances every day with similar students. I know there are many more educators who want to but cannot due to institutional failures. To me, my teachers have always been superheroes but I think, these students are real superheroes- who conquer all odds and come out shining. I felt so happy and at peace today when I upgraded their grades to As in the University grade roaster that I decided to write this blog entry. 

These students reinstate my belief in humanity- with everything terrible that is going on- and the news media pouring fire on all ends inciting polarization more than ever- you never know who gives you hope. I am hopeful today. 

Finally, I am sharing the link to a Ted talk that I heard recently where Kevin Kelly talks about why being an optimist is the only way to progress. 

Adios, till my next post. 

And yes, take chances on others- it's a beautiful feeling to be rewarded with the result. 

Ted talk on optimism

The tangle of priorities

 The last time I updated my blog- I lamented how I haven't gone back to writing, in a long while. I decided to get back to updating this blog more often, in fact, every Saturday (hahahah). But before I could do good upon my decision, life intervened and I ended up prioritizing other things. 

Which made me think: How do you prioritize? What comes first for you? 

I thought of writing this week's blog on priorities. 

Besides writing, my other love is reading. Lately, I found myself reading books on social media and how it is destroying or saving democratic societies. But curiously, in my library- both Kindle and actual, I also found titles such as Atomic Habits, 12 Rules For Life, and Peak. Needless to say, I still have to read any of those, but from whatever I could glean from cursory reading is that priorities matter. If we do not prioritize our tasks, then we won't get anything done. That made me ask myself- how exactly do priorities work- how do we know these tasks or jobs are really, truly important to us? I mean in ten years, would we look back and remember these tasks? 

I don't know the answer to these questions but I did prioritize my tasks last week. My son's baseball routine had the top priority. I also prioritized cooking for family and seeing some episodes of Stranger Things 3, plus grading my student's assignments and writing my dissertation prospectus. 

But I did not prioritize writing my blog, reading the books I had borrowed from the library for summer, or going on a long walk with my mom. Are these not important or not as important as some of the things that I did prioritize. Would I regret not ascribing significance to these tasks ten years from now? 

I also thought about the psychology behind prioritizing certain tasks over others. The jobs or tasks that I did, or thought were urgent and needed completion related to my immediate family needs, my duties as a mother, and my job and career. The tasks I neglected or put off for another day- like writing my blog- I deemed as not significant enough, or somehow not important enough to be tackled on an immediate basis. The question is why? Why did I think that the tasks that would give me more joy could be put off for another day rather than jobs/tasks that needed to be done? I do not know the answer, but I believe a lot of times, we do put off things that provide us genuine happiness. 

Some months ago, I was hearing this podcast- The Happiness Lab (The Happiness Lab Podcast Link) and there are some episodes on "funtervention" or fun-interventions- things that the podcast host does just for fun-- things that bring joy to her. I thought, that these funtervention or fun-intervention episodes of the podcast were amazing. But, not applicable to me because I have a small kid and he needs me so I must prioritize my duties as a mother... blah, blah, blah... 

Maybe I was wrong, maybe not. Maybe I shall re-read this post in ten years and realize that my current priorities weren't priorities at all. Or maybe I shall be thankful that I did the jobs/tasks when they needed to be done. 

So if you are reading this, think about your priorities- what are you prioritizing now? Would you look back at your priorities ten years later and regret them or be satisfied that you attended to the tasks that you did? And yes, if you get time to listen to a podcast, Let The Happiness Lab be it. 

Adios... 

Reflections on writing and habits

I have been thinking about getting back to writing my blog for some time now. Age, I believe, has a way of reminding one of the priorities in life. Writing was always a priority for me, not just writing journalistic or academic pieces - that's what I do for a living. But just writing, writing words that flow from me. Writing is my therapy, always has been, always will be. 

Now that I turned 39 this May, I was wondering how do I tell my seven-year-old to keep following his passion when I do not follow mine? Therefore, back to writing, and back to this blog. Last year, one of my friends from college, Anna, joined the NaNoWriMo (NaNoWriMo) and wrote the novel, Almost Maybes (Kindle book link). I have been reading it. It's really good so far, and I am enjoying it. I felt truly proud of her, that she took the plunge and actually wrote. I could never do that. 

Age, I believe also shows humans what they are passionate about and what they lack. I am passionate about writing but I do lack the discipline, I believe, I am capable of eking out time for writing. So this is an attempt on my part to get back to writing- free-form writing, careless words, that just flows. This is what I envision for myself in 2022- just for me. I am going to write a post on Saturdays on this blog - every Saturday- for four Saturdays. 

However, since this blog post will be on social media, and some of you will probably read it - if you believe you have a passion you would like to take up and like me, you lack discipline, here's a TED Talk I found for you, which helped me a lot. 

Ted Talk on Grit

So that's all for now, till next Saturday, adios..!!! 

To that friend of mine who went over the edge.

Image Courtesy: https://www.highfaluter.com

For about two weeks now, the concept of suicide has been haunting me, so much, that I decided to write a blog post on it... which in itself, is a rare event these days with my schedule and responsibilities. How or why it came to this, I do not know, but I have constructed a timeline of events, which shall probably help my readers understand as to why I am writing upon this subject.

Two weeks ago, I began a subscription of Netflix, the streaming platform. The first show that I wanted to see was '13 Reasons Why'. Apart from being highly talked about and being somewhat of a controversial show, I wanted to see the portrayal of the book upon which the show is based. I had read the book earlier. I wanted to see how the show represents the book. Well, it wasn't a good experience, emotionally, which I believe was what the producers of the show were aiming for. To be fair, I liked the show much more than I had liked the book. The book had not explored in such intricacy the characters of Hannah's parents, which the show did. While I saw the show, I saw myself examining my parenting style. The show left me with a lot of questions that I have jotted down and I aim to find at least some of the answers later.

Then a week back, a friend of mine wrote a post on Facebook that a mother of her childhood friend has committed suicide. Another news on suicide. For the past week, this friend of mine, kept writing about the emotional state of mind related to suicide and so on. I commented on some of her posts and some I just browsed through.

Then, this week, there were two 'celebrity' suicides, those of Kate Spade's and Anthony Bourdain's. I honestly do much know much about Kate Spade except she was a designer of caliber and I mostly avoided the news but today when I read about Anthony Bourdain's suicide, I was shaken. I used to follow Bourdain's show on CNN and the man himself on Twitter and Instagram. I went to his Twitter page today... nothing, empty... He was actually quite active on Twitter, and I often retweeted or marked his Tweets as favorites. And anyone who uses Twitter knows, you form a unique relationship with someone you follow on Twitter regularly... and I am not saying this in a creepy sort of a way but, as a Twitter follower, you can actually become a small part of his/her life.

And these events brought me to writing about this phenomenon today.

I myself, have had a distant encounter with suicide.

I was in tenth grade and a classmate of mine tried committing it. Thankfully, he didn't succeed. I still remember the day when I walked into school, this was a really small school, in a close knit community, where most kids knew each other and their families. And that morning, there were these small circles of students who were discussing something in hushed tones. When I approached my friends, they informed me that this classmate of mine had tried killing himself and was currently in hospital, undergoing treatment, failing the attempt. I remember walking to my desk, depositing my bag, and just going blank in my head. This person used to sit in the next row to my right. I kept glancing at his empty desk and wondering, what pushed him to the edge.

I think he took that year off and didn't come to class, or probably did, I don't remember. I had tried blocking him off that year... But long after that I thought of him often, and my thoughts were not necessarily always empathetic. Some were out rightly cruel... You see in India, suicide is considered a crime. If one succeeds, well, there is no more to be said of it, but if one fails, one needs to be arrested for the crime committed. I do not who or how this wholly inappropriate law came up, but probably it made its way into the country's rule book during the colonial British period. I also do not know, what the current position is on the law. Either ways, it doesn't help people who are having suicidal thoughts.

Image Courtesy: highfaluter.com

Often time, I used to think of this classmate of mine as weak, weak in the sense that I looked down upon him for not facing the challenges of life. Also, I used to feel really angry toward him, as, in the aftermath of that event, his parents and his little brother (who studied in the same school) went through a lot of emotional disturbance. I felt that he should not have done this to his family. His little brother often faced taunting remarks and jeers from people in the hall way of the school, and wherever the little boy went, there would be the gossip of his brother's attempted suicide following him. In fact, I had visited his house after he came back from the hospital and I had wanted to ask him, as to why had he done it. But I couldn't. I couldn't even look at him, so the whole time, I looked at the floor or at his parents and brother.

Now when I think about it, I feel disgusted about my behavior and my thoughts. I am not fond of suicide as a method of dying. I don't think anyone is. But I am trying to become more understanding. I now know that there is possibly something very dark that crosses their minds when they take this decision. Possibly they have seen all the options and have decided that this is the sole option left for them. I have done a bit of research on the subject in the preceding days, and till date there is no conclusive reason as to why a person decides to take his/her own life. There are multiple reasons of suicides, such as mental and emotional disturbances, depression, economic and financial reasons, the lifestyle, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual assault, family problems, so on and so forth, but no one can ever pinpoint to the reason as to why a person did what he/she did.

I am in no way an expert in this subject, hell, I am not even an amateur in this, but I think, if we just talked to people, if we, became less judgmental of people and of their circumstances in life, probably a lot of these people would reconsider their decision. From what I have learnt in my life, a little conversation, a small email or a text message or a telephone call actually help others. We are often scared that if we intervene and ask about others, we might be seen as being nosy, but probably we need to be nosy, at times, we need to let other's know that we are there for them.

I have decided to be more involved in the lives of the people who matter to me. I know that it'll probably not solve anything, but if a friend of mine is harboring these thoughts, I want to be there for them. I want them to know, that they are wanted, they are loved and they are cared for. It might help someone not to go over the edge.

Here are some helpful resources to go to in order to get information on suicides and how to help someone who probably might be having such thoughts.

Image Courtesy: GermanTown School Center District

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:

1800-273-8255

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

https://www.sprc.org/

https://www.sprc.org/resources-programs/recommendations-reporting-suicide