Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts

Friday, September 27, 2013

My Life as a "wanderlust" : Sophie and Me... The unique relationship between me and my South African domestic...

Sophie is my domestic helper... no, I think that definition is a very narrow one...

Sophie, for me, is a doorway to know the culture of the land, I now inhabit... she is my mirror to the larger society that I am a part of, and yet I am quite aloof from it all... being an expat from the United States and an Indian national, we largely have American and Indian friends, who are all expatriates. We stay in gated communities, quite away from the humdrum, the joviality and the color of an ordinary South African life. We are fortunate enough to have a car at our disposal, wherever we wish to go... I have no idea how the "bucckies" (taxis, here in South Africa) are and I am quite unfortunately unaware of the problems that are faced by ordinary South Africans, in their ways of life... because as I said before, I live in a shell like existence...

That is the prime reason, why Sophie is important to me...

Not only she helps me keep my house clean, she also serves as a window to the larger, ordinary South African life...

Will Julius Malema make it to the elections next year..??? Is Robert Mugabe really as bad as portrayed in the world media?  How were the days for her, as a "black domestic" working in a predominantly "white neighborhood" in the days of apartheid? Do the tribes here, really keep Cheetahs as pets and how does one conform to the dual identity of being a Christian and a proud Tribal landlord...

These are some of the questions that Sophie unknowingly answers in our everyday conversations...

The first day, she came to work in my house, the second thing she said, after a big smile and a "thank you" ; is that she has never worked for "this color before", touching my arm to show that she has never worked with an Indian native before... Honestly, I was surprised and to tell the least I was shocked... I had never given any thought to my skin color before, at least not in the sense that Sophie implied, and then I realized that the skin color issue goes so deep in their psyche, that she just can't help but point it out...

I justified my skin color and the country of my origin by stating the one name, I thought she might be familiar with, Mahatma Gandhi... I asked her, "do you know of Mahatma Gandhi? He lived here in South Africa. I am from his country... same color, and same country, you see"... she responded with a huge smile, "yes Gandhi, I know Gandhi", "good man, very good man".... he fought for us...." I really wished some of our Indian Leaders could hear it... especially now, when the only day we remember the great man, is on his birth anniversary, and that too because it's a public holiday.

It's now been almost five months since I have known Sophie, and it seems to me, that she, through her stories, open up an incredible world  for me... it's a world inhabited by proud African chieftains, of the glorious wars the kings fought for cattle, the days of oppression, of Apartheid, of an entire nation suppressed by a minority government and of 1994, when Sophie who was 38 years of age and her mother 80 years old, went to vote for the first time in their lives...

Sophie belongs to the Ndebele (pronounced "debele", the N is silent) tribe who live mostly in the province of Mpumalanga (the M is silent)... her family is related to a tribal warlord who at one time had accumulated millions of cattle and were trading partners with the Boer settlers when they first came in... her mother still lives in a small village in a wattle and daub house and her only brother, was shot by the Apartheid Police when he was 22 and was working as an electrician for a white businessman, his crime, he was out in the "white neighborhood"  without his "identity pass" at 7 pm in the evening... he was the only bread earner in the family of four... after which Sophie took on the responsibility of the household and set off to eMahlaleni (Witbank), an industrial town some seven kilometers away from her village to find work as a domestic...

She has one daughter, Precious, who studies Chemical Engineering in Stellenbosch University near Cape Town. When Precious was small, she could not get admitted to a school near Sophie's then employer's home, because it was reserved for "white kids only" , her then employer, a White doctor called Jaco, (who still live in Silver Lakes, one of the biggest gated Estates in Pretoria East) introduced Precious as their own adopted daughter in order to secure admission for her in a school a short distance away where his children also studied. He and his wife, used to take Precious with their own girls to the school in their car... something that was unthinkable in the Apartheid ridden South Africa...

When she speaks of Nelson Mandela, her eyes fill with tears... Mandela, also known as 'Madiba' here, is the father of the nation. What Mandela and the African National Congress did for the majority of Black South Africans can be gauged from Sophie's life. Sophie belongs to the lowermost strata of the society, a strata long oppressed first by the white minority and then by the elite black minority. Sophie's daughter who is hopefully going to enter the growing middle class is her only hope of having a better life, one in which she hopes, to no longer work as a domestic helper.

As I grow more familiar with her, her life seems so richly filled with experiences, that my own struggles seem puny. She looks much more than 57 years of age, a face wrinkled and creased by experiences, age and struggles. As a woman, Sophie has had to struggle on many levels, a single mother trying to eke a living for herself and her daughter, a black domestic worker, working for white employers, a dutiful daughter whom circumstances forced to become the sole breadwinner for the family, a devoted Christian, and an ANC Card holding member, who with millions of her countrymen are engaged in a long battle to elevate and gain an equal standing in the land of their birth.

The one thing that never ceases to amaze me about Sophie, is this woman, whom life has handed out probably the harshest of the terms, never ever blames life for her destiny. She always has a smile on her face when I open the door in the mornings that she comes to my house. She is always grateful to god, that he has given her a life and enough to eat to maintain her strength so that she can work and earn her livelihood...

Nowadays, very often, a small quote by Gandhi (yes, again, back to him)... comes to my mind, it goes something like this, "when you are in a difficulty, when your ability to decide is being challenged and you are confused about the path to take, think about the most poorest and the most courageous man or woman you have ever met, and think, how the path(s) you are about to take, will effect him or her. You'll see it becomes easy and something that seem complicated, resolves smoothly".

Before this I could not think of any one till I met Sophie...

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Taking the control in your hands, a necessary read for all types of women...

I have been thinking about whether to upload this post or not for some time, and then I thought maybe someone in my position would probably find it useful.

Ok, first of all, this post isn't at all for kids, so if you, my dear reader, is not above 18 please do not read further, ( of course, if you are below 18 and sexually active, then please ignore the former sentence and do read on). Second of all, this post isn't for those who blindly and devotedly believe in religion, whatever faith that might be, if you are a blind follower and believe in your respective religion or faith keeping aside common sense, this post isn't for you. So now that I have given out my mandatory warnings, let me begin...

I am writing this post primarily for women, for women like me... wherever you are and whatever you do, I hope if you were ever or would be in my position in the foreseeable future, you would find this post helpful.

I am 30 years old, married (very happy too..!!!) and have just completed a year and two months of marital bliss. As like many other couple who take steps to ensure that extension of the family is well planned, we too have taken some such measures and we follow them scrupulously... not that we don't like children, or we don't want to have them... we love kids, and we would love a family of our own... but not now, not unless we are ready for them... so anyway, one fine night our method of contraception didn't work out as it should have and I faced the terrible consequence of being pregnant with a child. The morning after the beautiful night, both me and my husband realized the gravity of the situation and we started discussing, whether or not to take the "morning-after pill"... now let me tell you straight away, I scoured the internet and numerous blogs, for more information on emergency contraceptive pills, and though I found a lot of information, I did not get a single article or post of a woman, who might have taken the pill herself. No real life account of real women who have taken the pill. That is one of my most important reason of writing this post so that, if someone is in my position, they can come across this blog post and learn about a real life incident, because this is what happened to me.

Also, please allow me to state here, in my defense, that I am an average healthy woman (touchwood...!!) and I really do not believe in medication of any kind... I was extremely reluctant to take the pill, educated and learned as we were, there were some lingering doubts. Also, although we are followers of the Hindu faith, our religion does not say anything about this... or probably we are not aware of it... anyhow, we really went over every single internet article we could find on the Emergency Contraceptive Pill and its after effects. When we were somewhat sure, that the pill is not life-threatening, I decided to take it.

I took the Plan B One Step, an Emergency Contraceptive, that can be obtained over the counter in most drug stores in USA, I really don't have much idea, which Emergency Contraceptive Pills are available in other countries, but I am sure, some kind of pill is definitely available.

I was also extremely doubtful of it's working and wasn't even sure that it'll work... but work it did, and I am extremely glad to say that I did take it and also at the right time.

I know a lot of women, conceive when they are not ready, or not mentally prepared. Ladies, it's fine, it's not something wrong not to be prepared for a child. And even if it does happen, you still can control it... I am giving below some sites that I had searched when deciding whether or not to take this particular medicine.

http://ec.princeton.edu/info/ecp.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emergency_contraception

http://www.safersex.co.za/family-planning-Emergency-Contraceptives.htm

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/emergency-contraception-morning-after-pill-4363.asp

These are the sites I visited before I took the "morning-after pill"... it is essentially a very safe medicine. I did not experience any side effects... of course I drank a lot of water for about a week daily after taking the medication and these are not "abortion pills"... If you have the pills, within 72 hours of unprotected physical intimacy, they work absolutely fine. I took them within 48 hours, of course, all the sites I visited said the earlier you take it the better.

So please, if any of you are in my situation and are confused and you don't know what to do and you are not ready to bring a child into this world, think about this pill... it's supposed to be absolutely safe and does not harm you or your reproductive ability. If you have already conceived, then the pill does not hurt the unborn foetus.

There are a huge number of unintended or mistimed pregnancies happening all over the world. According to Wikipedia, about 38 percent of all pregnancies in the world are unintended or mistimed. This also results in a large number of maternal deaths and infant deaths. Also the health of the mother and the child could be gravely affected.

Bringing a child into this world is a huge responsibility, and a lot of educated women like me know this. We all want to give the best of everything to our child, and we should also. Therefore it's even more important to bring a child into this world, when and if you are ready for it. To me, personally, motherhood is the greatest gift nature has endowed on women, and therefore it's a huge and life changing decision for me and I can say, that I am not ready as of yet. All I can say, that if you are not ready to bring a child in this world, take precautions to prevent it. Again, let me stress, that I do not advocate abortion in any case and thus knowing about the options available makes us powerful.

Also, as this issue is quite sensitive, a lot of you may not be comfortable talking about it to your parents or even friends, I know, for one, I would not have been able to talk about this to my parents... I actually haven't. I don't think these measures were available during their time, and even if they were available, probably it was a sin to even put them into practice.

But times have changed now, now we can really take control of our lives, the way we want to, and that's why I wrote this post. I really hope that this post helps someone who's in need, because trust me, having a real life account helps tremendously... I didn't have it, I hope you do...please if you come across this, do share it because it is only information that makes us powerful.


Thursday, June 27, 2013

Me Before You... A Review : Innocence Writ Large...!!!

After a long, long while, I read an out and out love story... and what's more I really liked it... I think it's been over one and a half years, that I have touched anything remotely romantic not even touching the occasional Mills and Boons romance...!!! In terms of reading , I had divulged deeply into autobiographies and non-fiction... a endevour to challenge myself into reading what is "boring" (my words) and "un-engrossing" ( again my words)... well I was doing pretty well and even reversed my thinking about autobiographies and non--fiction, which I now think are deeply engrossing and very interesting, I would go so much in saying that non-fiction actually makes you think, long after you have kept the book down.
Anyways, coming back to Me Before You, a novel, that I read recently for our book club, is written by Jojo Moyes, a British author. This is the second novel. Before reading, me and my partners at the book club, we all scrutinize the Amazon reviews... if you see the reviews of the book, the average rating that readers have provided is 4.5 stars... that was intriguing enough...  Though a word of caution here... please do not read a book, simply based on the reader's review and definitely not just the reviews of the Amazon readers. They have given an average rating of 3 stars to "A Hundred Years of Solitude"... !!!

However, coming back to Me Before You... it's a love story... yes, an out and out love story... yes I can already visualize a few yawns, especially in the male readers of this post. But before you think it's just another "girl meets boy romance" (well it is one), it also address a very deep issue of our society : Euthanasia or Mercy Killing... I really loved the way the author has integrated this much debatable topic in the book and it so seamlessly goes with the story.

A brilliant narrative, all of the book is in first person narrative, with the female protagonist's voice writ large. I could not understand why the author chose not to showcase the male protagonist's voice. It would have been quite interesting. The story runs lucidly and the humor is dark, but subtle. I really liked the portrayal of the two main characters and how their relationship shapes up. The other characters in the book are also very interesting. Without giving the story up, I can say this much, that the book, does not mean to preach, nor does it take a judgmental view. The author tells a simple story and leaves it upon the reader to reach their respective conclusion. The story is short but very, very engaging. 

I, as a reader, really felt like being in the shoes of the characters. I give due credit to the author, for including the voices of the vital characters apart from the Protagonist... and yes, for a very practical ending... sometimes, when the conclusion does not match the expectation, I really hate the book... but here, it did, and I am grateful to the author for that.

A beautiful story, it's simple, elegant, and innocent. After a long while, I came across such an innocent romance, and I loved every bit of it.




Saturday, April 2, 2011

Is "SHE " a curse?







Between the hullabaloo of the Cricket World cup and the Men in Blue performing extraordinarily... one news item that would otherwise have made the headlines of every single news channel and print media have got lost in translation. I am talking about the miserable child sex ratio of our nation which has dropped from 927 in the year 2001 to 914 in 2011. What does this mean? From whatever I could gather from the Net and the print media is that... based on the provisional Census data for 2011, there are in the age group of 0-6 yrs, 914 girl child for every 1000 boy child.
This shows a tremendous increase in female infanticide. A nation that boasts itself to be the 3rd most growing economy with a Purchasing Power Parity to be 2nd in the world, such a woeful state of affairs is indeed shocking. India has a Lady President at helm, a lady is the chairperson of our ruling coalition govt, one of the most populous and the largest state of India has a lady Chief Minster... and the most densely populated state in our country is rooting for another lady Chief Minster... so how come in a nation so dominated by the fair sex, does her counterpart in the infancy of their lives face such discrimination? It is indeed a question which, not our policy makers, but we the common people, have to answer.
The provisional Census figures show starkly the north south divide. The three worst performing states are Haryana (830 female child/1000 male child), Punjab (846/1000 machild) and J&K (859/1000 male child). Among the states which have shown an improvement over the the data of 2001 are the states of Punjab which showed a steady increase of over a 48 point while Haryana has an 11 point increase from 2001. But it is J&K which has shown a steady decline in child sex ratio, decreasing by 82 points. It is followed by Maharashtra which shows the next biggest decline in child sex ratio.
The grim story behind gritty numbers are that the girl child is not welcome in the families of the young, prosperous India. The three states that have been mentioned aforesaid are among the three having a high per capita income. Even Maharashtra which is the most industrially advanced state of India does no longer want a girl child. Notice that many "low income " states of the nation like Orrissa, Bihar, Jharkhand and Madhya Pradesh haven't made it to the list. Also the seven north east states are actually heading the list of states with higher female sex ratio.
The overall Female sex ratio has undergone a change for the better, there are now 940 females per 1000 males in India as compared to 933 females/1000 males a decade ago. But this does not take away the fact that actually more and more girl child are dying a faster death at their birth than the ones who get to live.
Coming to a horrendous fact, some years ago, an Indo Canadian Scientist reported in "the Lancet" that pre natal selection and selective abortion were causing a loss of 500,000 girls in India a year. Scientists say that most economically well off nations have a more than equal sex ratio and a country with higher GDP and a poor sex ratio is an anomaly.
This problem is one of the many which no law can actually solve, the right to give birth to a child actually depends on the parents, no matter if the apex court considers abortion as murder. I just ask one question, are girls so bad that they don't even have a right to see the light of the day. Abortion is a criminal act in out law, but now it has been proved that only the more well off are going for it, paying huge sums of money for the dastardly act. I ask young mothers and fathers, the literacy rate of India, in the new census figures is a lofty 74.6%, how could any of you stand this? A girl child is as good, if not better than her male counterpart, so why this discrimination? Sadly in India, they are not even given a chance to prove their worthiness. The absence of the girl child will definately be felt, if not now then 10 years later, and then the society will pay a hefty price. Maybe we deserve this, for we are all guilty of murder.

Reflection muses...

Language is the basis for recapturing experience...

- Cyhthia Selfae